文章內容
“為什麼不呢？”
我的好友澤塔戈牧師的一句話改變了我的人生軌跡。在他說出這句話之前，他剛剛和弗萊明主教通了兩小時電話，深入細緻地討論了《聖經》中的各個章節。他指出，《利未記》中告誡基督徒不能和自己的姐妹、嬸嬸、姨媽、母親、岳母甚至是孫女結婚——如果他們產生這樣的念頭的話。但是，這本好書中卻沒有規定不能和自己結婚。因此，當我告訴澤塔戈牧師那正是我想做的，他無奈之下說出這句影響深遠的話來：
“為什麼不呢？”
當然，《聖經》同樣也沒有明文禁止任何人同自己的曾祖母、桌子或是觀賞魚結婚。要是哪天弗萊明主教因此和他心愛的法國波特兒犬結婚，又或者是跟他的毛毯結婚——畢竟他們已經同床共枕多年了——我一點也不會驚訝。不管怎么樣，一旦我成功說服我的好牧師讓我和我夢中的白馬王子結婚，我接著就得再去說服我的父母。我不得不說，與一個擁有兩千年穩定根基的國際性宗教相比，鄙人的父母更難勸服。
一開始，我的母親只把這當作一個玩笑。是的，很少有人會嚴肅地看待這件事，但是我需要她明白我是認真的。母親不斷地問我一些愚蠢的問題，比如“為什麼非要跟自己結婚——你本來就和自己在一起生活啊？”或者“婚禮上你要穿什麼？”
而且讓人難過的是，這件事使我的父親幾乎瘋掉。真的。我結婚後的好些年裡，他整天坐在電腦旁撰寫文章，寄給五花八門的新聞報刊、世界記錄大全以及航天局內部通訊雜誌，聲稱自己是在太空做愛的第一人。雖然其實他與太空最為親密的接觸僅僅是電腦鍵盤上的那個大按鈕，但他本人似乎對此確信不疑。若是被人問到他所說的和他做愛的人是誰，他通常會停頓一下，以期獲得戲劇性效果，然後對著那人雙目圓睜地尖叫道：“我自己！”
我原本希望我可以信賴我最好的朋友，相信他們會對此表示贊同，但現在看來，那對他們來說只不過是一點笑料而已。他們以往對我支持有加，可是婚禮後他們卻長時間以此來取笑我。他們送給我的結婚禮物中，不乏有傷大雅之物：成人雜誌，絲綢手套，甚至還有天花板鏡。一想到婚禮上澤塔戈牧師宣讀婚姻誓言時，他們就肆無忌憚地狂笑不已，真讓人生氣——“你會將你自己視為丈夫，並同他共同生活嗎？不管是疾病還是健康，你都會愛護、撫慰、順從和尊重你自己，並在你有生之年對自己忠貞不貳嗎？”我發誓，當時我的一個朋友笑得尿了褲子。
我在拉斯維加斯度過了一個美妙的蜜月。我賭輸了自己所有的積蓄，反正沒人會在一旁嘮叨我花了多少錢。洞房花燭夜，我在金字塔酒店頂層定了一間高級套房……
我結婚的理由很多，包括稅務優惠方面的因素（但是想要讓稅務人員明白我是自己的配偶簡直就是活受罪）。自從我明白婚姻是怎么回事後，我就非常渴望擁有一位值得信賴的伴侶。我想要有人一直陪伴在我身邊，我可以與之分享我最隱秘、最陰暗的事情而不用擔心會被取笑。不幸的是，雖然通常情況下交女朋友對我來說不是什麼大問題，但事實證明，我選擇朋友的品位極其有限。之後，我突然意識到別人都沒有意識到的一點，那就是，我的最佳伴侶也許近在眼前。
總的來說，我認為這次婚姻在很大程度上都極其成功。我幾乎不和我的配偶爭吵；事實上，我發現自己才是周圍人中和我最談得來的人。有幾次我的確提出了不同意見，可是每次都是我贏。性生活，呃——我想怎么做就怎么做。當然，也有一些媒體干擾我的生活；很多下三濫的記者想要從我不同尋常的婚姻中撈到好處。我發現有些文章很可笑，有些就令人生厭，尤其是那些把我稱為世界上最自大和/或最自戀的人。我想我並沒有那么自高自大，我只是碰巧很享受跟自己待在一起而已。
突然之間，我很想有個小孩，我猜想可能是荷爾蒙的作用，或者是人生中必須經歷的一個階段。很俗套的解釋是，我意識到我的生命會終結，所以我想把自己的基因傳遞下去。因此，我花了很多天權衡利弊。為了娶到妻子，我決定和我的丈夫離婚。我和澤塔戈牧師聊了聊，他告訴我不能想離就離。我必須要有合法的理由。說來也怪，想要孩子並不能算作很好的離婚理由。
正如我的好牧師解釋的那樣，除非我和我的配偶分居至少一年，但除非動個大手術，否則這很難辦到；或者我的配偶虐待我；又或者我的配偶入獄至少一年，我才可以離婚。僅僅為了離婚就把自己打一頓或者在監獄裡混上一段時間，我並不十分情願。這樣一來，我只有一個選擇了：通姦。我只要和自己以外的某個人發生關係就行了；只要是那種正常的，異性之間的人類性行為，我就可以擺脫婚姻的束縛。
就這樣，我很不情願地脫下婚戒，開始物色伴侶。我的朋友們對我毫不留情，說我跟自己離婚是為了防止自己變成瞎子。當我告訴母親我和自己的婚姻走到頭了時，我想她鬆了口氣。為了獲得戲劇性的效果，我父親停頓了一下，然後對著我雙目圓睜地叫道：“我自己！”也許他真的在另一個世界。
要找到一個既願意和我睡覺又沒有在報紙上看到我已婚訊息的人，我原以為得花上一段時間才行，但是，我很快就找到一個長相平平的馬來西亞女孩，相對而言，她比較容易引誘。說實話，那次性經歷真讓人失望。她好像對於如何讓男人興奮一無所知，相反我卻是這方面的老手。我猜那對她來說毫無用處——我所受到的訓練不是為了取悅女性。
此後離婚就容易多了。教會似乎很想把我和自己分開，仿佛我的婚姻是一個大大的錯誤。分手後的幾個月里我感到非常孤獨，因為至少本地的精神病醫生（此人長於治療多重人格紊亂症）不再每個星期都給我寄那該死的名片了。
我差不多花了十年時間才找到一位好妻子，只有她認為嫁給我並不意味著同時嫁給了兩個人。十年里的大部分時間，我只是等著媒體忘掉“和自己結婚的那個男人”。同時，我也用相同的名稱寫了部自傳。書中詳細描述了我和自己的婚姻，包括我和自己生活中的起起落落，我如何面對每個人對我和我丈夫的指責以及我們之間一些鮮為人知的細節。我想正是這些內容使得若干年後出版的這部自傳獲得巨大的成功。人們只是好奇這樣一個不同尋常的婚姻背後隱藏著什麼樣的含義。我想讀過這部自傳的人都會引發一些思考。他們讀了我的自傳，然後問自己：“我易於相處嗎？如果我不得不和自己生活在一起，我能做到嗎？”有那么一會兒，他們都不再尋找自己的白馬王子或是夢中情人，而是問自己是否能成為一個好配偶。
我沒有聽到任何模仿我和自己結婚的例子，究其原因，要么是媒體對此已經失去興趣，要么是教會已下定決心禁止此類事件的再次發生。不管怎么樣，這一切都已經是陳年往事了。我和妻子剛剛搬進新居。新房子的空間很大，足夠安頓我們另一個即將出生的孩子。我現在很幸福。事實上，此時此刻我無法抹去臉上的笑容。您看，我們隔壁的鄰居正是弗萊明主教和他可愛的妻子——那條法國波特兒犬。
英語版
Charlie Fish
'Why not?'
With those two words, my good friend Reverend Zatarga changed the course of my life. When he said them to me, he had just spent two hours on the telephone with Bishop Fleming discussing various sections of the Bible in excruciatingly fine detail. He pointed out that Leviticus warns Christians not to marry their sister, aunt, mother, mother-in-law, daughter or even their granddaughter (should they be tempted). But nowhere in the good book is there a rule against marrying oneself. So when I told Reverend Zatarga that was exactly what I wanted to do, he eventually conceded those two fateful words:
'Why not?'
Of course, the Bible also neglects to forbid anyone from marrying great-grandmothers, tables or pet fish. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that Bishop Fleming ended up marrying his beloved French poodle as a result of all this. Or his blanket - after all he's been sleeping with it for years. Anyway, once I convinced the good Reverend to let me marry the man of my dreams, I had to convince my mother and father. I'd have to say that between an international religion, firmly established for two millennia, and my own humble parents, my parents were far more difficult to persuade.
My mother just wouldn't take it seriously at first. OK, very few people took it seriously, but I needed her to know I meant it. She kept asking me silly things like 'Why marry - you can just live with yourself?' or 'What will you wear for the wedding?'
And sadly, it drove my father quite mad. Literally. For years after the wedding he spent days typing up articles for a wide variety of news journals, record books and space administration newsletters claiming that he was the first person to have had sex in space. He seemed quite convinced, despite the fact that the closest he had come to space was the big button on his computer keyboard. When asked who he had allegedly had sex with, he would usually pause briefly for dramatic effect, turn his wild eyes towards you and yell shrilly: 'Myself!'
<2 >
I would have hoped that I could trust my best friends to be sympathetic towards my cause, but I think it was all a bit of a joke for them. They were often supportive, but after the wedding they just spent a lot of time making fun of me. Some of the wedding presents I received from them were quite demeaning: pornographic magazines, silk gloves, even a ceiling mirror. And I'm disappointed in them for not stifling their mirth when Reverend Zatarga recited the marriage vows: 'Will you keep yourself as a husband, to live as one in marriage? Will you love and comfort yourself, obey and honour yourself in sickness and in health, and be faithful to yourself as long as you shall live?' I swear one of my friends wet himself laughing.
I had a great honeymoon in Las Vegas, gambling away all my savings with nobody to nag me about how much money I was spending. I had a penthouse suite in the Luxor hotel for the night of consummation . . .
I had many reasons for getting married when I did, apart from the tax benefits of course (trying to make the tax inspector understand that I was my own spouse was hell, though). Ever since I understood the concept of wedlock, I longed for a partner that I could trust. I wanted to have someone with me always, to whom I could tell all my deepest, darkest secrets without having them laugh at me. Unfortunately, although getting girlfriends was usually not too big a problem for me, I tended to have excruciatingly bad taste. Then I realised that my perfect partner was closer to home than anyone could have realised.
Altogether, I think the marriage was a great success for the most part. I rarely argued with my spouse; in fact I found myself to be the best conversation holder around. The few times that I did argue, I always won. And the sex was, well - it was whatever I made of it. There was some media intrusion of course, lots of cheap journalists trying to cash in on this unusual union. I found some of their articles amusing, and others quite offensive, especially the ones dubbing me the most conceited and/or narcissistic man in the world. I don't think I'm such an egotist, I just happen to enjoy my company.
<3 >
I suppose it was a hormonal thing, a stage of life or something, that made me suddenly crave a child. The cliche is that I realised I was mortal, and I therefore wanted to pass on my genes. So after many days weighing up the pros and cons I decided to split up from my husband in order to find a wife. I had a chat with Reverend Zatarga, and he informed me that I couldn't just file for a divorce on a moment's notice. I had to have legitimate justification. Curiously, wanting a baby wasn't on the list of good reasons to divorce.
As the good Reverend explained, I could only divorce if I had been living apart from my spouse for at least a year which would be difficult without major surgery or if my spouse had treated me cruelly or been imprisoned for at least a year. I wasn't particularly willing to beat myself up a bit or lounge around in prison just so I could divorce myself. That left one option: Adultery. I just had to have sex with someone other than myself; normal, straight, human sex, and I could be free from the bonds of marriage.
And so it was that I reluctantly removed my wedding ring and started searching for a mate. My friends were cruel about it, saying that I was separating to stop myself from going blind. I think my mother was relieved when I told her that my relationship with myself was coming to an end. My father just paused for dramatic effect, turned his wild eyes towards me and yelled shrilly: 'Myself!' Maybe he really is on another world.
I expected it to take me quite a while to find someone who was both willing to sleep with me and who hadn't read the newspapers enough to know that I was already married, but I soon found a plain-faced Malaysian girl who was relatively easy to seduce. The sex was, to be honest, rather disappointing. It seemed that she knew almost nothing of what turns a man on, whereas by that point I myself had become quite an expert. I suppose it wasn't great for her either - I wasn't practised in pleasuring members of the fairer sex.
<4 >
The divorce was easy after that. It seemed that the church was keen to split me apart, as if my marriage had been a big mistake. I felt quite lonely for several months after the break-up. At least the local psychiatrist (specialising in multiple personality disorders) stopped sending me his damned business cards every week.
It took me nearly a decade to find a good wife who didn't think she'd be marrying into a threesome. Most of that time was just waiting for the media to forget about 'The Man Who Married Himself'. Meanwhile, I wrote an autobiography with that very title. Included in the book was a detailed account of my marriage to myself, including the ups and downs of living with myself, how I dealt with everyone's criticism of me and my husband, and some intimate details of my relationship. I think it was these sections that made the book a real success when it was published some years later. People were just curious to read about the implications of such an unusual marriage. I suppose it made people think. They would read my book and ask themselves: 'Am I easy to live with? If I had to live with me, could I do it?' They all stopped searching for their Mister or Little Miss Right for just a moment to ask themselves if they would ever make a good spouse for anyone.
I didn't hear of any copycat self-marriages, which probably either means the media lost interest or the church is determined not to let it happen again. Anyway, that's all behind me now. My wife and I have just moved into a new home, big enough to accommodate our new child when he is born. I am happy now. In fact, right now I can't wipe the smile off my face. You see, our next door neighbours are Bishop Fleming and his lovely wife, the French poodle.
作者簡介
作者查理費什出生在基斯科山，紐約，並且多次搬到新英格蘭和老英格蘭（他現在住在倫敦）之間。自2002年完成了法律學位，他做了各種工作。
他的興趣（除了寫作）包括潛水，志願工作,文字遊戲。
現在的妻子 - 埃瑪·史密斯。（2002成為女朋友）
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